A Conversation At Depression

I have yet to decide what it is that you are. You seem to be my blessing and my curse. You are a reckless confusion to my ways.
I nod your way in acknowledgment when the praise is heaped. It seems that I am unable to do what it is that I do best unless you are by my side. Yet, when you are near, I am in the most unbearable pain. I wish to do nothing but be alone and feel the sorrow of an empty and broken heart. You blacken my days and scorch my nights. You take away my heartfelt smile and drown me in my own tears. I am chased away from the joy of caring for anything in my life because such decrepit thoughts enter my once strong and able mind. And yet…
When I feel you, I am at my lyrical best. The bottom truth of my heart is felt and a raw honesty is exposed when you are present. With your “help”, I have produced my best work. It is a comfort that frightens and excites me. I have quit trying to explain it all for it makes no logical sense.
How can something so deceitful and dark allow me to produce creative beauty with almost zero hesitation? Comprehending the mere idea of it all simply flusters me to a point beyond my usual temperament. As you come and go, seemingly as you please as I have yet to connect a reason to your “visits”, I try to decide if it is all worth it. Is my happiness worth some profound words on a page? Are the days and weeks of constant feelings of worthlessness and without cause worth being able to put words into an acceptable order?
It has been recommended to me many times over that medication be introduced or a professional consulted so that you may take your leave and never return. This idea has been rejected and tends to frighten me beyond where it should. What would I do without you? Who am I without you? Missing you, I am back to the disappointment I once was before discovering the pen, just a yuppie with no direction. When I have you, I seem to have a belief in my self that has eluded me thus far in life. In some fateful way, you have provided direction to my life.
You are my blessing and my curse. I find it difficult to live with you and impossible to live without you. Come or go…leave or stay. I am at your mercy until I decide to conquer you and the demons that accompany you at my every turn. I only beg that you tread easy. You have pushed me close to a mortal edge so many times and I have no desire for my life to be resolved any time soon. I have the promise within me and I aim to see my dreams come to truth.
I truly do not know what to do with or about you. I have a paralyzing fear whether you are here or you are gone. For some unknown reason, you have the control of what I am. I am at a loss. With you I am lost, without you I am desperate. So I sit and I wait, using you and the magic you provide for my own advantage until a resolution is produced.